I’m listening so intently my heart could burst. I know there is something you’re trying to tell me. But I can’t hear it. And I know it’s because I’m trying too hard. I’m pushing too much. I know I need to sit back and let you work through my soul and calm my spirit. I know that you’ll gently write the words you need me to know on my heart when it’s time for me to hear them. But my impatience won’t let me stop pushing, stop stressing, stop worrying about what it is that I can do to set things right again.
Because I know what I can do to set things right, but I just can’t seem to get my priorities in order to make it happen. I can’t seem to stop worrying, stop busying myself with work and house work and stress, and stop listening to the evil voices inside me that tell me I’ll never be good enough. And I do know the only way I can do that is through You. I don’t know why I keep putting it off. Maybe it scares me. Maybe I’m afraid what I’ll find in the parts of my heart I try to ignore. Maybe I don’t like change.
But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stress myself, push myself harder, and ignore the solution that is right in front of me.
No amount of activity can make up for the fulfillment that I can find in You, God. I can’t ever make myself a “good enough” woman for You. I’m already good enough. I know that in my head. I just can’t get it through my heart. So once again, I’m committing to lean on You, rather on myself. I’m hopeful this time I will let You create change in me.
I know You love me and You want me. If You didn’t, You wouldn’t have given Your only son to die for me -a gift I can never repay and that I definitely don’t deserve.
So I’m listening, God. I’m finally listening, and I’m ready.